The long-awaited and inevitable transcript.
Lord James's Official Girlfriend Application, Version 1.0
Full Name: Joseph William Black
Preferred nickname, if any: “Pudding.”
City of residence: San Antonio, Texas and/or Middle Earth.
Age: 250 Months
Height: Anywhere between 6’1” and 6’6” depending on which gas station I’m leaving.
Weight (may round to the lowest ten): Over 90,000 grams.
Hair color/eye color: Obtuse.
Your Living Habits
Note: Under Lord James's non-discrimination policy, no answer will automatically disqualify you from eligibility.
1.) Do you smoke? If so, how often?
Once a month at the local hookah bar, socially and scholarly. Addendum: I tend to Bogart the pipe from others.
Do you drink? If so, how often?
As often as is needed to maintain my recommended body mass of water.
Do you use illegal substances? (yes, that includes Mary-Jane)
Yes, I have over nine thousand .mp3’s; none of which I paid for.
2.) What is your current occupation?
I currently occupy most of my computer chair with my extremely manly body.
3.) What is your living situation?
Mostly sanitary.
4.) Do you drive? If so, what vehicle?
The Joe Mobile.
5.) Highest level of education completed:
The gameplay tutorial for EVE Online.
6.) Do you have any children? If so, how many and how involved are you in their lives? (read: this is where you brag about your parenting skills and hopefully not the lack thereof)
I have no children, but I have swarms of extremely immature ex-girlfriends (if you’re reading this, that list totally doesn’t include you, honest).
7.) Do you have a criminal record? If yes, what's on it, and do you have any cool stories to share? Do you possess an axe?
I prefer to smell like the inside of an old church rather than a pheromone-laden commercial icon.
Your Interests and Hobbies
Lord James is very interested in what you have to say here, so by all means, feel free to splurge on the word count here.
1.) List your top three favorite movies with a brief explanation of why for each:
Spice World, Hackers, and Citizen Kane. An explanation is unnecessary.
2.) What is a favorite movie quote of yours? (Research on iMDB is allowed here)
“Whoah.”
3.) Do you enjoy video games or PC games? If so, list three favorites.
Freecell, those flash advertisements in which you click on flying targets to win a prize, and IRC (Multiplayer Notepad).
4.) Do you enjoy tabletop RPG's (e.g. Dungeons & Dragons, Vampire: The Requiem, GURPS)?
I play them, but I do not enjoy them.
5.) Do you like sports? Which ones?
Mocking those less physically adept than myself (read: grade schoolers).
6.) Are you a writer and/or artist? If so, feel free to attach any of your works which are worthy of viewing.
My answers to this application are a work of art.
7.) What is your favorite food?
Brains.
8.) What is your sense of fashion style?
Brains.
9.) If you could invent or build any one thing, what would it be?
Brains.
10.) List up to three talents or abilities you have which you think may be useful for performing the job you are applying for.
“The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks.
Your Beliefs
1.) What is your religious and/or spiritual persuasion? Feel free to describe them in one paragraph.
Memorized Rammstein lyrics are an acceptable substitute for a degree in theology.
2.) What is your political persuasion? As above, feel free to describe them in one paragraph.
Everything Stephen Colbert says is true.
Short Essay
1.) Please describe your idea of the perfect date.
A seedy motel with a pair of handcuffs.
2.) Why are you filling out this application? i.e. why are you interested in a relationship with Lord James?
Because it’s way too fun to pass up.
3.) Are you a princess? Why or why not?
My mommy says so.
Relationship History
Boyfriend's name: “Lefty”
Start date: Somewhere during filling out “Your Living Habits.”
End date: Right now.
Reason for breakup: Lost wood.
Circle one: Dumpee
References
Provide three references and their contact information. Attractive female friends recommended!
Lord James Griffin (Personal)
WantonPopery.Blogspot.com
Certification
I hereby certify that the information given in this application is true to the best of my knowledge and that give unto Thine Excellent Majestie (you) the authorization to verify it. I also understand that filling out this application does not guarantee that I will receive the position.
Applicant's Signature: J. Williams Black
Date: July 3rd, 2008 A.D.
Lord James's Official Girlfriend Application, Version 1.0
Full Name: Joseph William Black
Preferred nickname, if any: “Pudding.”
City of residence: San Antonio, Texas and/or Middle Earth.
Age: 250 Months
Height: Anywhere between 6’1” and 6’6” depending on which gas station I’m leaving.
Weight (may round to the lowest ten): Over 90,000 grams.
Hair color/eye color: Obtuse.
Your Living Habits
Note: Under Lord James's non-discrimination policy, no answer will automatically disqualify you from eligibility.
1.) Do you smoke? If so, how often?
Once a month at the local hookah bar, socially and scholarly. Addendum: I tend to Bogart the pipe from others.
Do you drink? If so, how often?
As often as is needed to maintain my recommended body mass of water.
Do you use illegal substances? (yes, that includes Mary-Jane)
Yes, I have over nine thousand .mp3’s; none of which I paid for.
2.) What is your current occupation?
I currently occupy most of my computer chair with my extremely manly body.
3.) What is your living situation?
Mostly sanitary.
4.) Do you drive? If so, what vehicle?
The Joe Mobile.
5.) Highest level of education completed:
The gameplay tutorial for EVE Online.
6.) Do you have any children? If so, how many and how involved are you in their lives? (read: this is where you brag about your parenting skills and hopefully not the lack thereof)
I have no children, but I have swarms of extremely immature ex-girlfriends (if you’re reading this, that list totally doesn’t include you, honest).
7.) Do you have a criminal record? If yes, what's on it, and do you have any cool stories to share? Do you possess an axe?
I prefer to smell like the inside of an old church rather than a pheromone-laden commercial icon.
Your Interests and Hobbies
Lord James is very interested in what you have to say here, so by all means, feel free to splurge on the word count here.
1.) List your top three favorite movies with a brief explanation of why for each:
Spice World, Hackers, and Citizen Kane. An explanation is unnecessary.
2.) What is a favorite movie quote of yours? (Research on iMDB is allowed here)
“Whoah.”
3.) Do you enjoy video games or PC games? If so, list three favorites.
Freecell, those flash advertisements in which you click on flying targets to win a prize, and IRC (Multiplayer Notepad).
4.) Do you enjoy tabletop RPG's (e.g. Dungeons & Dragons, Vampire: The Requiem, GURPS)?
I play them, but I do not enjoy them.
5.) Do you like sports? Which ones?
Mocking those less physically adept than myself (read: grade schoolers).
6.) Are you a writer and/or artist? If so, feel free to attach any of your works which are worthy of viewing.
My answers to this application are a work of art.
7.) What is your favorite food?
Brains.
8.) What is your sense of fashion style?
Brains.
9.) If you could invent or build any one thing, what would it be?
Brains.
10.) List up to three talents or abilities you have which you think may be useful for performing the job you are applying for.
“The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks.
Your Beliefs
1.) What is your religious and/or spiritual persuasion? Feel free to describe them in one paragraph.
Memorized Rammstein lyrics are an acceptable substitute for a degree in theology.
2.) What is your political persuasion? As above, feel free to describe them in one paragraph.
Everything Stephen Colbert says is true.
Short Essay
1.) Please describe your idea of the perfect date.
A seedy motel with a pair of handcuffs.
2.) Why are you filling out this application? i.e. why are you interested in a relationship with Lord James?
Because it’s way too fun to pass up.
3.) Are you a princess? Why or why not?
My mommy says so.
Relationship History
Boyfriend's name: “Lefty”
Start date: Somewhere during filling out “Your Living Habits.”
End date: Right now.
Reason for breakup: Lost wood.
Circle one: Dumpee
References
Provide three references and their contact information. Attractive female friends recommended!
Lord James Griffin (Personal)
WantonPopery.Blogspot.com
Certification
I hereby certify that the information given in this application is true to the best of my knowledge and that give unto Thine Excellent Majestie (you) the authorization to verify it. I also understand that filling out this application does not guarantee that I will receive the position.
Applicant's Signature: J. Williams Black
Date: July 3rd, 2008 A.D.
2 comments:
Pudding. Did not see that one coming. But yes you are totally more of a princess than I could ever hope to be.
Keep up the good work.
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